It had been 17 days since we agreed peacfully to broke up. Initially, i really felt terrible and was on the verge of crying even in the middle of the lessons. for the whole day, nothing got into my head except the same old falshbacks of what he told me in the morning. I felt really hurt but i know that i just had to accept it. It is a fact now. Although after the Dec 1 incident, i came to realise how important he is to me, how reliant i am to him, and how much i would wished to be cared for and loved by him once again. However, he still feel that i had neglected him. I can only say that I admit that i neglected him at times, but i am really trying very hard to be a good gf. Maybe it is just me, just my character, i do not know how to express my care n love for others. I felt that some things need not be said but felt from the heart. But it seems that if i do not say it out or show it, people will not know. But i still feel that it is very difficult for me to say somethings out and somthings are also too mushy for me to accept.

The feeling of being given up is really terrible, very hurtful. Maybe that is also his character, so i cannot blame him too much also. Nobody is perfect in this world.

Really a thousand a million thanks to my senior, Brandon. My chat with him had miraclously relieved my pain so much so much!! And luckily, i managed to study for my H3 exam although i am still distracted at some time.

He told me that he was too rash in the morning and he felt that he had made the wrong choice. Actually, i do not know how to react to it, nor do i know that i should be happy or sad about it. This is because jon had told me that his frenz saw him with another girl the other day and it just makes me wonder is it why he can set his heart to initiate a break up as i thought that he will cherish our relationship more after that incident like i do. At the first instance, i thought that maybe he had not changed heart and i am just too paranoid. However, i thought, maybe he is just unclear about himself again? I really do not know how to believe him again, but i really wish to believe him. The other day when i went for my pw gathering, i saw him n claire togehter shopping. Although they can be friends and just simply walking around, i just had a very uneasy feeling. I know it is JEALOUSY, but i also know that i am of no position and stand to feel in that way anymore.

JCTs is coming very soon. But i do not know why, i just cant seem to concentrate. I cant get myself to study. I got a feeling that i am just trying to waste all the time i had doing useless things and it is like wasting my life just like that. I do not know why but i m very upset about myself, about what i am doing. I want to lead a normal life, i just want to get on with my life and not waste it like that. I hate myself for doing these things but what can i do to help myself brace up? I want to do well in my exams, handle all friendships with care and conceren and treating everybody genuinely and pass my A levels with flying colours. I had a lot of wishes which i want to fulfil! I guess i am still hurt about what had happened.

I really hope and wanted to go back to the kind of days we had in the past, but i know it is very hard to achieve that anymore. I realise that i began to lose trust in you which i really do not want to. But it is just the fact. I aam getting paranoid and keep thinking of alot of things which i had not when we were together. I dunno if we can still be together after what had happened or it is better for us to be friends? I know that i am not mature and you are not also. So will we end up hurting each other again?

Maybe it is also because of our character ba. Although i had said that i will try my best to change n i definitely will, but i know deep in my heart that i also cannot change much because it is just me. If things changed 180 degrees, then it will not be the ME that i am already. I dunno if u can accept the me now or u wanted to be together again because u thought that things will turn out better as i will change. I got a feeling that things will not change much from what is was. Maybe a little better, but not much difference also.

I know you need alot of attention from ur partner and i am not confident that i can make you feel that way and make you realise that you are indeeed important to me. I dun want both of us to end up hurt again.

I really dunno what to do and how to make things better.

love hurts